David Lynch's Return of the Jedi?!

How do you like the sound of Ewoks bleeding out of their arseholes? Or how about Darth Vader going crazy after huffing too much recycled air? Or how about Luke Skywalker turning into Bill Pullman? You scared yet? And to think they almost let David Lynch make 'Return of the Jedi'...


As seen on Joblo!

One, Two, what does Freddy mean to you?

It opens in a dark, dank boiler room. A man's heavy breathing can be heard. We see hands, busy at work. They're creating something. The breathing continues, fire scorches metal and finally, the glove is complete. And when we see it in it whole, violent glory, we know that the next hour and a half is going to be a very dark time indeed...

"A Nightmare on Elm Street" is considered a modern classic by many horror movie buffs and critics. The first tale of Freddy Kruger is still delightfully scary and full of shocks, that even these modern day 'Saw', 'Hostel' and other gorno fanatics may find something to like about it, even if its gore alone they want. What makes this nightmare so special, for me, was its ability to scare me on so many level, from its disturbing violence, surreal nightmare sequences or even just the presence of Freddy himself. Also, there is a lot to love in the stalwart heroine, Nancy Thompson, who is forced to piece together Freddy's mystery, all the while he dispatches her friends as they sleep, one by one.

So today, as my first blog post ever, I am going to look at one of my favourite films off all time and tell you exactly what Freddy means to me...

Three, Four, don't sleep anymore...

He gets you in your sleep!

Sorry, I had to say it! I mean, can you think of a more terrifying prospect? Sure, Jason appears to able to teleport, but at least you could potentially escape him. You have to sleep at some point, therefore you have to face Freddy eventually! I know many people have said it before me but there is no harm in re-iterating the fact that the idea of a man stalking your dreams with the sole intention of killing you is a fucking terrifying concept. When I first saw this film, I was about 8 years old. We were watching it with my parents(we being me and my younger brother), and just after Freddy hangs the dude in the prison cell, it was time for bed! What the fuck? Who does that to there children?! 'Here, son, watch this nasty burnt man kill people while they're sleeping! Oh, golly, look at the time! Time for bed son!' I mean, I know my parents were just being responsible by sending us to bed because we had school in the morning, but can you imagine what this did to my young mind? All I knew after that experience was that Freddy was 'there' and when I went to sleep, he was going to get me. I didn't get to see him shamed and defeated. In my 8 year old mind, Freddy was very real, very scary and very nasty. So yeah, to this day, about 15 years later, I still dream of Freddy. And you know why? Because that's were he gets you!

Five, Six, Wes Craven and his box of tricks...

Imagine for second a blank canvas. Onto this blank, paint the shape of a man with absolutely no detail on it at all. Now, I want you to fill it up after I have typed this name: Wes Craven! If you did not see a magician with a glowing magic staff and a tall black hat then...we clearly have different imaginations. My point is, I think that a man with a name like 'Wes Craven' was always destined to show us some form of forbidden wonder. Thankfully, the modern magician needs only a bunch of cameras, a hard working group of friends and a sprinkling of money to create some of the most wondrous tricks possible.

Look at some of the sequences in this films and tell me the man doesn't have have en eye for perfectly controlled mayhem! In this film he has an invisible Freddy hack up a young girl as she dragged literally onto the ceiling while her boyfriend watches, a bed that spurts more blood then the amount lost at a haemophiliac convention held in a blade factory! I mean this guy know how to make you feel uncomfortable. The blood spurting bed scene in particular stills gives me shivers. Not only is it a technical marvel, but I always wondered: what the hell is Freddy doing to Glen in order for that to happen?

The special effects in this film compliment the screenplay, as opposed to being the main focus of the film(Transformers anyone?). Also, for a film on such a tight budget with such an imaginative director on board, it was a wonder that any of these effects worked at all. But, "A Nightmare on Elm Street" has proven that, even with a limited budget, talent is what is required, not money!

Seven, Eight, Kids united by fate...

Now, I'm not going to talk about John Saxon or Ronee Blakley. Both are brilliant performers and offer excellent supporting roles within the film, as do many of the other adult actors. No, what we have to discuss here is the kids.

First we have Amanda Wyss as Tina, the 'Janet Leigh' of the film. The first nightmare we see is hers, and instantly we believe she is the main character. However, its all change when she is killed after about fifteen minutes in the infamous 'murdering on the ceiling' sequence. For her short screen time, though, she is both powerful and vulnerable as we see her face both Freddy and her badboy boyfriend, Rod, who, similarly, isn't given much screentime before being hung out to dry by Kruger. However, there is an undeniable melancholy to his character that the actor, Jsu Garcia, portrays with finesse and a definite empathy, rounding out three dimensional character who, in a lesser movie, would be wholly 2D.

Lets get it out of the way then. Yes, Johnny Depp is in this movie. Yes, Johnny Depp is perfectly believable in his role. Yes, I love Johnny Depp to. Seriously though, if you're going to discuss Johnny Depp performances, this probably wouldn't be on the list of his most challenging roles. He is good, but bland also. He is there as the voice of reason in an insane situation. His death, however, in the Bed of Blood, is legendary.

So lets talk about Nancy, played by Heather Langenkamp. She is the 'final girl' of this movie, and just like Jamie Lee Curtis before her, Nancy has a bookish, girl next door feel to her character. She seems a bit nerdy, maybe a bit prudish, but she is also beautiful, resourceful and brave. Langenkamp is perfectly cast here, and her chemistry with the rest of the cast is perfect(particularly with Ronee Blakley, who plays her alcoholic mother). I won't ramble, but I will join the chorus of fans in saying, Nancy, we love you and you are one of our favourite final girls ever!Nine, Ten, Freddy scares grown men

Finally, lets look at Freddy. Before I start, forget everything about the sequels, forget about part two possession Freddy, witty but still scary Freddy from part three, the increasingly cringe worthy one-liner spouting creepy uncle from parts four to six and even the darker re-imagining of Freddy is his 'real world' attack in New Nightmare. Before Freddy became a household name, and when 'A Nightmare on Elm Street' was a standalone film, Freddy Kruger was a despicable human being. A child murderer(possibly molester - its alluded to but never flat out stated in any of the films) freed from prison on a technicality, was hunted and burned by the vengeful parents of Springwood. But he did not stay dead. Deformed, angry, and burning with his own vengeance, he returned in the dreams of the children who survived his onslaught in life.

Played superbly by Robert Englund, Freddy is the epitome of disgust. From his actions to his sheer ugliness, there is little to like about Freddy, so instead, I'm going to list the top three things that scare me most about Freddy.

3. His laugh - His cackle during the dream sequences is haunting. during dark nights I can often hear it echoing in my head. The best scene I can think of featuring the laugh is Nancy's schooltime dream sequence, both after she's hit woman-with-similar-clothes-to-Freddy and while he has her cornered in the boiler room.

2. His eyes - They stand out in so many shots, constantly emitting this maniacal stare. Couple this with his disgusting smile and you can add one extra sleepless night for me.

1. "I'm gonna split you in two!" - Now, why is this line better than other one liners from the rest of the series? Because there is no stupid pun. I am not devoid of a sense of humour, and can certainly see the scary side of a killer who is enjoying his job so much he decides to make jokes. That could be scary, but the majority of the Nightmare sequels are too comic book for this. In the first Nightmare, Freddy is all business. And this line expresses it perfectly. Freddy, you're a scary motherfucker!

So yeah. I watched it for the first time fifteen years ago, and watch it regularly to this day. I think its safe to say that "A Nightmare on Elm Street" is one of my favourite films of all time, despite how much it scares me. Its got great characters, music, direction, composition, the lot! I love this film, and if you disagree, then you're just dreaming!